Why Do We Fight with Those We Love?

Ever tried to answer that question?

Every relationship we enter starts with beautiful intentions. Brides kiss grooms without a thought of divorce. Friends shake hands on a business dream with iron-clad resolve. Churches start with no intention of splitting. No one imagines that underneath the pristine landscape of our relationships sits a fault line. And when the quake hits, we all feel the damage.

Why do we fight with those we love? Conflict is inevitable in this fallen world. Fortunately the Bible tells us the source is very predictable. The fault line runs just below our own hearts. James says, "Your passions are at war within you.you desire and do not have so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel" (James 4:1-2). The root cause of all interpersonal conflicts is our consuming passion for self-gratification. The philosophers call it hedonism: one who lives for personal pleasure. It's the me-first mindset.

Unfortunately we are born with such a mindset. Just put a cookie in between 2 two year olds and watch the ensuing melee. As we get older, we simply learn how to mask our true motives. One spouse will say, "But I deserve to play golf this weekend." A co-worker is quick to point out his tenure in the company when a promotion surfaces. A friend feels the need to share a secret in order to the win trust of someone perceived as important. Conflict arises as James says because we "cannot obtain" what we desire. We have bought the lie the world espouses: we think significance comes through our personal pleasure, power, and possessions.

If I want my way and the other person wants their way, then it leads to conflict. And like toddlers grabbing at a cookie, rarely does anyone yield. Take a moment to see if there are any areas you need to shore up. What are the hidden agendas you haven't surrendered to God? Are you fighting against Satan or letting him win the temptation battle? Have you drawn near to God lately? Is there a need to repent?